A Go West Mom You Should Know: Shannon Sue Guernsey (Part 2)

Last week, writer Shannon Guernsey -- our latest "Go West Mom You Should Know" -- told us about her new business, Planet Fassa, an online resource that rewards children for offline play. This week, Guernsey answers our questions about her life as a stepmother to three children who she says "have completely filled my heart." Using her nicknames for them, her stepkids are MB (aka Miss-Behavin), age 14 but "going on 22"; Chameleon ("all shades of pink"), age 12; and the 8-year-old Lil Dude.

Q. From what I read about you in a bio, you were a single career woman who suddenly fell in love with a man with three children. Can you talk about that experience? It must have been quite a jarring transition to become a stepmother to three kids!

Shannon Guernsey with her stepchildren and husband Lee Coulter, celebrating St. Patrick's Day.A. It really was crazy! Lee and I dated for quite some time before I met the kids as we figured they’d been through enough heartbreak to meet me if I wasn’t in for the long haul. However, no matter how long the prep is, I don’t think you can ever fully know what to expect from the big introduction, or how it is going to completely change your life. I’ll never forget the day we met. I can honestly say it was the last day my needs came first, or that I cared if they did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way a saint and I can be quite selfish, but before I met MB, Cham, and Lil Dude, I thought life was busy and fulfilling. What was I thinking? Until you have kids in your life, you hear people saying, “Parenting is the toughest job in the world,” and you think, “Yeah? Try MY career! I’m here 14 hours a day…” Um, WRONG. Kids are there 24 hours a day … the moment they hit your heart, it’s over. You’re either with them, or thinking about them! It is exhausting, but it is also really amazing. I fell HARD for my three stepkids, mostly because all three of them remind me in some way of their father, who is the love of my life.  

Q. Would you have any advice for a woman who is going to become a stepmother, or thinking about marrying a man with children from an earlier relationship? What has surprised you about that role?

A. I guess the first thing I’d say is make sure to always love your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place – no matter what. Without a strong foundation, the issues of a blended family can take you down. Because (don’t take this lightly): this is tough.

The second thing is to find an outlet (other steps, good friends and experts like @FamilyBlending) to talk to, be it for advice or simply venting. Let’s face it, some people are just not going to “get you” (especially if you’ve chosen not to have your own biological kids like me), and that’s OK … find those who do!

Third and MOST IMPORTANTLY, remember the importance and difference of your role as a stepmother vs. a mother. I sometimes really struggled trying to always be “perfect” in front of my stepkids. Like if I screwed up, they might stop liking me. Man, is that tough for a step – because we don’t have that “bond” that comes naturally with biology. It’s tough, it’s scary, but if you’re willing to realize you can be a mentor, a confident, and a role model that will enrich a child’s life, it is truly worth it. It’s NOT about competing with the children’s mother – NO! You must remind yourself – over and over again – that the more adults that love a child, the better. That’s what it’s all about – not who gave the bigger present or who got the bigger hug. It’s not the kids’ fault their parents are divorced, so no matter how you and your spouse feel about the biological mother and her spouse, what problems you have, etc., do your best to keep the kids out of the adults’ problems. They’ve gone through enough seeing their mommy and daddy split up (I’d be devastated today if my mom and dad split, and I’m 34!) However hard it gets, put your ego aside, and just love them, hug them, and let them be as happy as they can be. Do everything you can to give them a HAPPY childhood.

Q. Can you tell me a bit about your stepchildren and their personalities?

Shannon Guernsey on her first vacation with her stepchildren in 2008.A. MB – she reminds me a lot of her dad, so it’s no wonder that I dig her so much! She’s witty, funny, wise beyond her years, strong, and intriguing. I aspire to have her ability to cope and deal with life. And she knows how – and loves – to bug me. Although I have a very “loud” personality, I actually require a lot of space. She knows this, so enjoys getting as physically close to me as possible, calling me on her cellphone from the next room, following me around … I’ve actually started calling her my “cling-on." I guess I should be happy that a 14-year-old thinks I’m cool enough to be around – but it is quite possible that she is trying to drive me nuts! MB has talked about having a variety of careers when she’s an adult, including a photographer and a lawyer. Right now, I’m thinking comedian.

Chameleon – ah, Cham … a beautiful child who has the ability to be funny and empathetic in ways you’d never expect. She also is a lot younger than anyone expects…she’s 12 and young at heart, but is 5’7” and a knockout. But she doesn’t know that! One of the funniest memories I have of her is when she asked me to carry her up the stairs… I’m 5’3”! I said, “No, but you can carry me!” And she did … haha! We have so much fun together, especially watching musicals. And I’ll tell ya, this kid can look at anything and create something beautiful from it. I see her creating sets of movies someday. What an incredible talent!

 Lil Dude – and then there’s the dude, who’s been smarter than me since I met him. I’ve known this lil guy since he was just 4. Of all three, I actually see him mirroring some of my facial expressions and sayings, and it kills me! Of course, he has picked up on my smart aleck side, and he is smart enough to mess with me, but I get him back! Unfortunately, I got him REALLY bad one day jumping out at him from behind a door, and I’m going to be paying for it for the rest of my life. In fact, he’s been trying ever since to get back at me as badly as I got him, so when I say he kills me, that may very well come true someday (I hope my heart is still strong at age 80…) This little boy is smart – both intellectually and emotionally – and I love that I get to watch him grow up!

Q.  Can you describe your parenting style?

Ah, my parenting style … when I first met the kids, I strived to be a “perfect mom”: do everything right, always be chipper, never be late, always “dress for success”, never forget anything … yeaaaah, right. So I’ll just say that I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m completely honest about it! I’ve said this to my stepkids: “Most parents get to screw up ‘quietly’ at first…they put on a diaper wrong, sew something on upside-down, etc., and their small children don’t notice. I screw up, and I have 3 of you making fun of me!” It’s humbling, and also extremely comical.

Beyond my constant mess-ups and the constant reminders of those mess-ups, I truly believe in and ask for three main things from my stepkids: be honest, be accountable, be kind – beyond that, you’re golden! Even more importantly, I hold myself to these three principles … and it helps in our house, especially when someone makes a mistake. You spill milk, I’m cool with it, as long as you jump up, hustle to get something to clean it, and try to figure out what you were doing when the spill occurred.

I’m NOT OK if you spill the milk, cry about it, and then sit there and blame your sibling for “making you do it." I like these three principles because I believe they can be applied to all aspects of life, from playing sports, to maintaining friendships, to holding a job. I believe in them so much that they are actually the foundation forPlanet Fassa’s “Planet Pledge”, which we ask all users to “take” before they sign up for an account.